It's entirely a hardware problem. I thought I made it clear that my FM Transmitter is on the fritz.
Replacing my FM Transmitter is the most obvious way to fix the problem for $39-$60 (or more), but turning off the pause function is free and jiggling the headphone cable requires almost no effort while driving (but unlocking my phone, opening my music app, and resuming playback is a little reckless).
I guess I'll just go digging in my framework.res and see if there's an option hidden in there.
So framework.res is now framework-res.apk?